Anyone else wanna oppose my stimulus package?
Though the season for politicking may be over for many, there’s no rest for the wicked Washingtonians slaving away to fix the economic crisis, figure out the war on terror and several other problems-a-plenty. How can you help our new president and his gang of governmenteers tackle these and more situations? I dunno. Donate money, join a group or some shiz. That’s not why we’re here.
No, we’re here to play video games.
Whether you championed Obama or McCain, there was a magnetic force on both sides of the fence that attracted America’s youth to at least be interested in politics, if not actually get out and rock the vote. Interest was so high, in fact, that a swarm of politically inspired video games cropped up all over the internet. Yes, the ‘net is good for something other than porn, though it’d be unfair to rank some of these games higher than many of the crude nude sites out in yon world wide web. But as we all know, where there is a gutter, there is fun.
My personal favorite is Kung Fu Election. It allows gamers to control their favorite politicians as they unleash a wave of violence upon members of the opposing party. Whether you’re a Hilla-ree or a Mitt-en, there’s something for everyone in this Mortal Kombat cousin. Players go through several levels pitting your chosen political figure against the likes of Bill Richardson, Rudy Giuliani and, perhaps most chillingly, Cindy McCain.
While I myself am an Obama man, I’ve found myself picking Palin time and time again. Her signature attack — turning her hockey stick into a hunting rifle — sets forth a rapid-fire assault upon anyone who dares to oppose her. There are some other hilarious long-range attacks: Obama sets a flock of doves to tangle enemies up, Joe Biden shoots feet from his mouth and Hillary Clinton sends Bill to tear down her detractors.
The best part? Just when you think you’ve beaten the game, a secret end boss emerges: a Goro-inspired four armed George W. Bush. While it would’ve made more sense for Al Gore to strap on the extra limbs, the fact is that this final battle is uber difficult. Stack up on the Red Bull, ‘cuz Kung Fu Election is a frickin’ tough game. Dirty jokes aside, you’ll be up all night trying to beat this thing.
For something a little more all-ages, you can always turn to Super Obama World. Featuring the new POTUS, this game replaces everyone’s favorite plumber with a 16-bit Barack. Goombas are replaced with nefarious big-wigs, slices of pumpkin pie elevate Obama to suited status and gold coins are out in favor of American flags. I haven’t gotten too far, but word on the street says that Sarah Palin’s the Bowser doppleganger. That’d make sense since you play in the arctic. But there’s a bunch of levels here, the mechanics are pretty similar to the old school Super Mario Bros. for SNES and it’s a heck of a way to break up your work day.
If you’ve ever wondered what Obama might want for a midnight snack, look no further than Barack Obama Eats Babies: Om Nom Nom Nom. There’s not much of a point to this game other than having Sarah Palin toss tons of babies at Obama’s face. Just sit back, click away and watch as Big Barry’s beautiful teeth chomp down on an unending supply of infants. Hey, even presidents gotta eat, and sometimes they gotta eat the little guys — aka babies. It’s a tough job, so don’t judge.
Don’t forget that before the widespread phenomenon of picturesque video games, there were text-based games. Heeb Magazine hasn’t forgotten with their recent Choose Your Own Adventure: Dubya’s Last Day in the White House. The possibilities are endless as you slide into Bush’s slippers on his last day of office. Do you put some effort into those final hours of responsibility or do you phone it in and play computer golf? Hard, hard choices, but don’t worry — you’ve got plenty of opportunities to relive the day over and over again.
No matter how you slice it, there are plenty of politically-minded games out there on the ‘net just waiting for you to put your own red-white-and-blue stamp on. And if there’s anything that I missed, please send ‘em my way.
For the love of god, please. Anything to break my pathetic Tetris addiction.
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Do Yourself A Favor is a weekly feature on roundhoward.
