Taking us to the cleaners, one liquid brain drink at a time.
You see that bespectacled, mustachioed old man right there? Sure, he looks like a happy mix of Charlie Bucket’s Grandpa Joe and Stan Lee, but don’t be fooled — this is no ordinary old man. This, my friends, is the face of evil.
This is the face of the Empire.
Stop me when this sounds familiar: 800-588-2300 Emp — oh, you got it already? Where’ve you heard that one before, I wonder? Could it be…
This?!?!
These mother-puckers (with a “p”) at Empire Today have been sinking their gargantuan tooth horns right through the collective craniums of good Americans since the ’70s. What, you thought these bastards suddenly cropped up out of the wetlands like a slimy new baby dragon? You couldn’t be further from the truth.
Behold:
Don’t you just love this guy’s subtlety? “Why don’cha call right now?” I’ll tell you why… because I’m not buying your bull, mister! You think I’m not wise to your act? You think I don’t know the truth?!
Clones, people. We are talking about living, breathing, insufferably blood-lusting clones. The kinds of clones that won’t stop coming after you unless you put a hollow point bullet square between their eyes. Carpet installation? Nice cover, but I’m not buying it, you stupid cloorns. (Note: “cloorns” is a derogatory term for “clones.”)
Need further proof that we’re talking about ungodly monstrosities of science? Look at what “Mr. Empire” does here:
Damn right “Michael who” if we don’t put an end to this monster’s shenanigans right now.
Listen, folks. You really don’t want to call that number — 800-588-2300, in case you may have forgotten. These fuzzy lipped “grampas” are just looking for that one golden opportunity to get into your home and do god knows what to you and yours. Just look at his “daughter” — do you really want the women of tomorrow to grow up looking like this plasma-sucking beatnick?
Nice try, old man. We know what’s really in those white sacks. You’re not fooling anybody.
If by “warm my heart,” you mean “feed my belly-sack with the brains collected from my brain-sucking winter caps,” then okay.
Please. Do not call 800-588-2300. Do not give in. The future of humanity rests in our collective ability to not turn to this inhuman mustache twirler for our carpet installation needs.
Don’t let the death of Michael Jordan fall on your shoulders.
Do Yourself A Favor is a weekly feature on roundhoward.
